Reliving Nightmares & Visiting Demons....

The other day as I was perusing a favorite Re-sellit shop, I happened onto a child's toy.  It was innocent enough in it's simplicity, just rock it back and forth in your hand thereby causing a whirling disc to slide up and down it's little wire rails... it was like someone kicked me in the uterus!  At first I could not stop twirling it...then I was repulsed...then I contemplated buying it...what? are you frking nutz? I almost threw it down as I retreated to the back of the store to compose myself, I actually almost started crying like a baby!  I had to stomp my foot to cause myself pain to take my mind off of it!  The memories stay with me always, I tuck them away like little facts I have written on a scrap of paper, I can't remember a lot of details, I was Very Young, but what I do remember is branded like a scar in my minds eye; I can NEVER Forget certain Details...now I want to write it down!  These are scraps of feelings, unreal to my flesh now, even though some smells will make some flashes.  Of course, those are really all I remember anyway, those little snippets, like super fast shots from some movie trailer, where they tease you with what lies between... Do I forget because I was young, too young to make the right connections to form those memories, or, is it because I really do not want to remember?  I know, that even right now, I still do what ever I need to squelch the pain of life?  I read a scientific study about how selective memory helps you endure...

Widow's Ranch...I call it the "Widow's Ranch" because that is the branding it has in my mind.  My Dad called it that and I remember him talking about her, telling her story... "her husband had died, so now she "took in" kids for working folks to earn extra money".  Some of the kids, like me, stayed there all week long, sleeping in a "Bunk house", eating "Farmhouse Style".  My Dad came to pick me up Friday night, after his work week ended, then bringing me back to drop me off Early Monday morning.  Most of the kids though only came during the day, this is the origins of the "Daycare",  early 60's.  There was a lot of displaced children in those times for the first time due to women's changing positions in our society.  Divorce, work and just single parent issues galore!  Then, the Widow herself had a few of her own, I'm not sure how many, but at least 8-10!  Altogether I am guessing there was at least 25 but I'm sure sometimes more.  There was about 14-16 living there, a few 'Boarders" like me, the rest her own.  I know at least 2 of the most evil of them were her own boys, about 13-14 +/- a year.  They were the Leaders, the "Shot Callers!  Horrible beasts, one larger than the other by far was the less evil of the 2, but not by much, he just didn't hurt as bad as he COULD have if he wanted to is about it.  The smaller one liked to inflict pain and did so often, whenever and wherever he could.  I learned to stay as far away from him as I could!

I had just turned four when I first started going to the ranch, too young for school or to stay on my own.  I really do not remember too much about the ranch itself other than it was VERY large, very busy with a lot of animals, kids and people.  There were a lot of "out" buildings like barns, sheds and an old bunkhouse, dilapidated but still used by farmhands and as spare rooms for the Older kids!

I watch this in my mind like one of those old 8MM Movies where the frames are choppy and shaky... too young, my memories feel disconnected from me, even though the Thoughts are still there, click, fear, click, pain, flick, darkness and shadows, muskiness and stench, freeze, click...  I remember seeing another girl brutalized first, while I was held down and forced to watch.  The big one held his hand forcefully over my mouth and pinned me down, my arm twisted back so hard and the pain so great I could barely tell what I was seeing...  I remember his hot wetness slithering in my ear, hissing in raspy sounds, telling me that if I made any trouble or screamed he would make sure it hurt even more than what I was seeing!  I do not remember if it hurt when they were were actually Inside of me, because I was so focused on watching what was happening to the other girl!  The smell of the hay and the feel of the Grimy Mattress made out of it was sickening as I watched the older girl struggle, beaten and violated... I didn't even really know that he had done anything to me, all I knew was heaviness and overall pain, I thought I would be crushed, I could not breathe as I watched the other girl bleeding and pleading!!  Suddenly I was Yanked up, someone was telling me in a hard and ugly way... to get out and to keep my mouth shut!  He said "If you tell anyone, your Daddy is going to think you are dirty and he will never come to pick you up again! He will just leave you here forever!"  This was to become the Mantra for the Hit and Pick they made of any of us, ....

After the First time, another girl came to me and talked to me softly, telling me to just be quiet and try to stay out of their way, but never, ever, fight them because they would hurt you really bad!  After that, I was only got caught a couple more times, I did not fight,  I saw a girl fight and scream, they smothered her with a pillow, I thought they were going to kill her, I just learned how to zone out and pretended to be somewhere else...watching a Beam of light come through a hole in the ceiling I could float away...one of those "places" was where I could go while watching that SAME little toy, my Dad had bought it for me.  I tilted it back and forth endlessly, watching it go up and down, never letting it stop, bargaining with God, while I prayed that my Dad was going to pick me up!  Was he late because he found out somehow about the "Dirty" games the boys were playing with me?  Please God, Let him come for me...don't let him leave me here...whir-whir-whir-whir-whir-whir..........
My Dad suddenly did Not take me back one Day...
I was 4 1/2...
I was Happy, but Destined to Live through more Trials from the Demons of the Flesh...

Spinal Cord Injury...Yep...SCI, It Took Down Superman Too...

I am a survivor of a traumatic Cervical Spinal Cord Injury.  During my ACDF C4-7 / Two vertebrae were removed and a roll-bar implanted and although I miraculously recovered my mobility following the emergency surgery, there are still some serious nerve damage issues. I have been prescribed MANY, MANY drugs, some work, others don't! The bottom line here though is, the HORRENDOUS side effects of these Drugs do not outweigh the meager, at best, benefits from any of them!

I ingest (Tincture) as well as smoke MMJ (can't afford the vaporizer) and although it is NO MAGIC BULLET, it does takes a notch off the edge of the unrelenting Pain and Spasticity!  At least enough to make getting around to try to do some things in life less daunting.

Oh, and according to some people, I should be strung up or shot because I will admit that yeah.... I like the "temporary euphoria" too... damn me anyway...should NOT enjoy my medications...