So Yeah, Suicide Is Like Totally The Down Side Of Being Depressed!

Killing yourself, probably dwells in the house of "self" for most of humankind during the "Growth Years" from about 13-23.  I bet if you took a survey of the stats you could find that most people, probably more females than males have at least "thought" about it to some degree!  I believe it goes hand in hand with the realization that this life is only temporary.  It feels like, OK, so this life sucks and I want to just be done with it!  Or even the old standby "I'll show everyone"!  (Uh, yeah, your dead, you showed THEM!)  The problem is that for most people that may be seriously chasing this option, there is also a little self preservation mechanism that jumps right into place and usually vanquishes the thoughts!  It may even just be the fear of pain that prevents some from following through with morbid thoughts, but once in awhile that just isn't enough.  If the time comes that your "perceived" emotional pain is worse than the "quick" pain of death then it becomes a more grandiose idea.  It is even easier to convince yourself if you cut yourself off from others, shut them down when they try to help or just turn away without letting anyone try to understand!.

I am a strong believer of the old analogy of "Third time is a charm" and in the case of my own suicide attempts, I would have to say that I believe it even more. 

My first theatrical attempt at ending my problems was when I was a mere 14 and I was fresh with wounds from a spurned lover, or rather a vile confrontation with his wife and I wish to leave that story there and suffice to just say I ingested an entire bottle of OTC Sleeping Pills and then called him to come rescue me, which he did and so I was!

The next shot I took at it came after a long depression following a family tragedy culminating with the bitter betrayal of yet another lover to wit I committed a pretty serious attempt with a razor blade.  The un-beautiful side of this was that it DID hurt and the blood everywhere was scarier than hell!  So once again I allowed myself the rescue drama!  I did have to undergo some pretty extensive counseling after that one, seems I went just a little too far for them to comfortably just let it slide.  I think I liked the counseling, I did feel better for awhile, but again, life is full of pain.

I do want to interject here that I am fully aware that I have pretty much caused a great deal of my own suffering but knowing that does NOT relieve the crushing, searing pain!

So then, yet again, my life came crashing down on my head after some increasingly bad decision making and I found myself wallowing in the pit of  insufferable despair!  This time I was just going to will myself to death, after a few days of a hunger strike and acting like a zombie I was drug off to a "facility" where they promptly gave me an overdose of Thorazine!  Viola' instant suicide!

Now comes the interesting part... I was drifting away, rising slightly above the scene around me, things looked weird like through a lenses smeared clear only in the center.  I was afraid to rise too far and felt compelled to try to hang close to the ground.  I started hearing a whispering of several voices that seemed to be beckoning me to come over near a really huge stone wall that appeared to be too tall to even fly over. As I neared the wall I could hear the voices more clearly and they were calling my name, softly and with affection and I was drawn even closer.  As I drifted closer I began to feel fearful of the oddly sweet voices and drew more distrustful and wanted to back away, but as I began to pull away I felt wistful tendrals as delicate as smoke, caressing and twinning around my limbs, softly urging me to draw close to the wall again.  The murmuring began to sound more like a chant, my name being repeated over and over, but with cojoling interjections too!  "C'mon you know it is so nice here, come over here, you'll like it here, we are waiting for you, don't go away, etc..."

At first, I felt complacency and let the soft deicate tendrils carress me and gently guide me towards the wall, but then I realized that the voices were no longer so soft and beautiful but raspy and menacing.  Their intensity grew and sounded phlemish like they were almost choking as they called to me.  I began to struggle with the invisible bindings and the strenght and grip increased with a stinging and burning sensation that kept growing the more I struggled!  I was in shear terror mode now and I tried to scream but something was around my throat and no sound would come out! 

As I made contact with the wall I realized that if I went through it I would be dead and suddenly I knew I did NOT WANT TO DIE! I knew then that this was my soul being drug down into HELL and I could feel the evil pulling on me like a huge magnet sucking at steel!  If I was pulled through that wall it would be over and I wasn't going without a fight!  The screaming and straining went on for what seemed like forever, endless in it's own time frame.  I screamed until my body ached with it, pounding like a hammer in my temples, I finally managed a real life scream and someone came to me!

I was awakened in an hospital room with a nurse standing above my head.  I was upside down on a rotating table strapped in from all sides!  I had almost died she informed me, my blood pressure was so low they had to put me on the inversion table to get blood to my brain, I had been out for 2 days!

Was it real?  I don't know for sure, but it is real for me!  This is what it took to convince me that I really did not want to die and I have never tried anything that stupid ever again!  I just hope that if I write this story maybe someone else will refrain from experiencing this for themselves!